Ashes
by perfumedreams
Summary: Love is nonexistent. It has no place in this cruel world. All there can be is beautiful illusions.


_**Okay. **_

_**To start off, yes very cliché to stick in a female character love interest. I know, I know but I wanted to give a crack at it. Anyway, hope you enjoy and see you at the bottom.**_

* * *

"Who are you?"

The menacing boom of the Commander's voice attracted the attention of the other cadets. They look on with a mixture of relief and pity.

'_Thank god he didn't pick me.'_

'_Will he pick me next?'_

These kinds of thoughts raced through the sweat-drenched recruits. All eyes were on Commander Keith Shadis as he loomed over a female trainee. Being towards the front of the formation not many eyes could distinguish detailed features concerning her appearance; average height for a female, she easily melded in the sea of uniforms. However, a distinctive trait that garnered the immediate attention of the others was her tresses of rich, incomparable ginger hair. Unusually long and abundant, it flickered brilliantly against the blaring afternoon sun.

Her back stiffened and drew herself up, face turned up slightly, and spoke self-assuredly; "Elsa Smith!"

Whispers ran rampant through the formation which drew an irritated snarl from the Commander.

'_Smith?'_

'_As in Erwin Smith?'_

'_Is she related to the Commander Erwin Smith?'_

She stared levelly at the Commander for a few moments.

Sunken, stony eyes met faceted emeralds.

"Interesting." He mused. "What are you doing here?" his blaring voice sent tendrils of her hair flying. "I'm here for the sake of humanity!" He scoffed, "Humanity is better off without weaklings like you."

"I believe I can highly contribute to humanity's fight against the titans!"

Commander Keith solidified and the recruits suppressed a cringe, "Do you now?" his menacing tone drew shivers.

"Yes sir, I do!"

She stared intently into his eyes as he squinted back, before jostling her shoulder and passing into the next row. He smirking inwardly recalling the exact words from Erwin.

* * *

The day was extensive and arduous.

Many of the recruits unwound at the dining hall, conversing over a hot bowl of porridge and a loaf of bread. Some coming from same regions quickly became friends while others equally as fast established friendships. Elsa however, was avoided. Dining in solitude, she seemed unattainable as if living in the future and everything around her was fading into memory. She also made no effort to approach anyone as well until Connie Springer came up to her, tray slightly wavering in his hands.

"Is it alright if I can sit here?"

She regarded him with a jaded look, "Of course."

Unbeknownst to her, the eyes of various cadets looked on in curiosity. The dining hall hushed a bit as Connie lumbered onto the wooden bench and began to eat shamelessly. "My name is Connie by the way." He said between mouthfuls, he extended his hand out. She looked at his extended cracked, callous hand and her eyes traveled up to meet his, as if analyzing every aspect, every fiber in his being. "Nice to meet you Connie." She took his hand in a firm shake, "My name is Elsa."

Connie offered a nervous smile before returning to his meal rather voraciously.

They ate in silence for a few moments before Connie piped up again, "I don't mean to pry, but are you really related to Erwin Smith?"

The dining hall hushed with a whisper and the majority of eyes looked back into the corner, unabashed Elsa confirmed it with a hesitant nod. Connie exclaimed making a ruckus, and a decent amount of cadets flocked to their table eager to listen. "No way!" one female cadet chimed in awe, by now the entire dining hall was listening in on the conversation.

Elsa pursed her lips at the incessant chatter, slightly fidgeting with her pants. She looked between the many faces seemingly lost as to what to do or say.

"I can't believe you're actually related!"

"It only makes sense you're a cadet then."

The chatter and babble was beginning to be too much and an ash-haired figure appeared among the crowd, "So what if she's related to the Commander? She's here to learn like the rest of us so leave her alone."

That was the first time Elsa met Jean Kirschtein. His severe eyebrows set against a sharp angular face were narrowed sternly at the remorseful looking cadets and one by one they left slightly grumbling.

"You too, Connie, you shouldn't be nosy."

Connie mumbled his apologies slightly embarrassed. Jean's penetrating gaze flickered on Elsa for a second before striding back to his seat. Elsa watched his retreating figure quite puzzled. "Don't mind Jean. He can be a stick-in-the mud sometimes." Connie muttered.

Elsa nodded her thoughts very far away.

* * *

The next few days were wash and repeat routines. If anything the Commander was especially strict on Elsa, always making an example out of her, forcing extra labor on her behalf. She never complained of course, she took it with a grain of salt but the extra tasks helped her out in the end. Eventually, she established a network of friends among the recruits but never really penetrated the Zhiganshina trio but still managed to work well with the three.

Elsa was regarded as an advanced student, only a notch behind Mikasa. However, where Mikasa lacked in initiative, Elsa had in abundance. They worked flawlessly together and got along fairly well. Her speed was quite impressive, her strikes were nearly invisible to the naked eye, and all that could be distinguished was a red spark. She was a natural born leader; other recruits often went to her for advice on improving and she was more than happy to be of assistance.

A few months into their training the recruits were given a day off. It was the day the Wall of Maria fell and the training complex would be closed down in memory of all of those who had passed. Most of the recruits were going home to their families but Elsa decided against it. She lived deep in the interior of Wall Sina and it would take all day just to get there.

The day before, the recruits were running laps around the compound. Elsa was in the front as usual beginning to overlap the stragglers in the back. There was something therapeutic about the rhythm her legs followed.

_1-2-3-4_

_1-2-3-4_

The sun against her face was invigorating even though sweat was beginning to break on her brow. The rest of the recruits grumbled amongst themselves trying the keep up with the pacemaker. "What are you planning on doing tomorrow Jean?" Marco puffed between breaths; his face was thoroughly flushed beneath his freckles. Jean shrugged, completely comfortable with the pace; his face was placid despite the exertion. "Nothing, why? Anything you plan on doing?" he looked towards Marco who had a conflicted look. "If there isn't you plan on doing maybe we can do something?"

Jean nodded along, "It sounds fun," Marco smiled his gapped teeth showing slightly. Jean offered a smirk back and settled his eyes on distant figure. Her fiery mane was tied back and sailed behind her like a flickering flame. If he squinted hard enough she became specks of traveling red pigments. "She's really fast huh?" Marco huffed at his side noticing his prolonged stare. "She's also really pretty." He added quietly to himself. Jean caught his comment and shoved Marco playfully, "I meant her hair is really pretty." He amended bashfully.

"If you say so. I think Mikasa's hair is the prettiest." He proclaimed confidently but watched as Elsa turned the corner beginning a new lap.

* * *

Later that day the showers were packed. Lines led all the way outside and the smell of putrid sweat mixed in with the annoyance among the recruits. Being a co-ed shower many of the recruits left the stalls pink-faced from seeing their fellow recruits in a new light. Usually many of them showered at odd hours during the day in hopes of beating the crowds and rarely came into contact with another.

Some of them showered two at a time to further the line along and conserve water. When it came time for Elsa's turn to occupy a stall she stepped onto the wooden slabs, unwrapped herself from the coarse towel, and secured the plank behind her. "Jean, do you want to go ahead? I can wait for the next one." Jean gave him a skeptical look but obliged and unknowingly took the stall next to Elsa. He began to undress and hung the clothes on a tack before turning the knob and shivered as the chilled water came into contact with his skin. He sighed running a hand against his skin rubbing the grime off. Through the distorted stream of water he made out a bright shock of orange and went frigid.

He watched incredulously as she caressed her tousles of ginger hair wringing out all the soap before repeating the process. Thankfully the slabs of wood between them were high enough so that he could only see her from the shoulders up. Some droplets clung inside the small crevices of her collarbones of her glossy porcelain skin. With her eyes closed she didn't notice the rise of color coming from Jean. He swallowed dryly and found it difficult to look away. Standing under the continuous pour of water Jean felt weightless and lightheaded. She smoothed back her hair and it looked like liquid citrine; he didn't realize she was beginning to turn off the valve and quickly busied himself with washing his hair. Jean watched out of the corner of his eye as she wrapped an arm around her chest as she reached for a towel. He gulped audibly rubbing his lathered hands together; she wrapped the towel around her slick body and left the stall.

Jean was left slightly wobbly, running a hand nervously through his slicked hair.

* * *

That night at the compound long after the recruits had gone to bed, Elsa was out pursuing the moonlit paths around the complex. Whether it was restlessness or indifference, Elsa could find no solace in the stiff sheets. She walked away from the barracks and settled down on a patch of grass overlooking the valley and distant inky outline of the forest. The cool night air felt refreshing and she sighed, taking up fistfuls of grass. The moon was large and gleamed softly against the velvety night sky sending a pale glow upon the valley.

It was times of serene silence Elsa thought of her Uncle. His palliative voice always lulled her to sleep and she longed to hear it once more in hopes it would alleviate her restlessness. She had not seen him in over five years. His duty as Commander was proving to be more and more demanding and his visits became less and less. When expressing her acceptance into joining the Trainees Squad, his letter had been full of bittersweet encouragement. He had missed her, and was saddened this was her decision in life. She had brought the letter with her and sometimes in rereading she finds a new deeper meaning in his words.

"Mind if I sit with you?"

Elsa's head snapped up to meet a slightly disheveled ashy-haired boy.

"Jean?" he had already plopped down next to her and sighed reveling in the fresh night air. "Couldn't sleep either?" he stretched out his long tanned limbs and reclined idly against the grass. She shook her head tucking strands of her hair behind her ear. "Yeah, me either. Sometimes it gets so hot in the barracks." He titled his head back as a slight breeze came by revealing his sharp jawline. "And it's so nice out here."

"Yeah, it is." Elsa stared into her lap, picking at her thumb.

They shared a moment in silence before Jean yawned covering his mouth. "Are you planning on doing anything tomorrow?" she asked turning her head slightly. He cracked his knuckles, "Probably not. Go with Marco and visit the city for a while. And you? Are you going home?" he inquired watching her from the ground. Her small ear held back her soft ringlets and she reclined back onto her elbows which sank into the soft earth. "My home is kind of far away and it'd be just a waste just getting there." She paused, which caused Jean to examine her side-profile. Her small well-defined features were illuminated by the moonlight which gave her a statuesque look, "I don't know what I'm going to do." She finished indifferently.

Jean nodded nestling into the damp ground, "Why aren't you going home?" her soft question flittered in the air before Jean sighed through his nose. "I promised my family I would return when I entered the Military Police. Lame I know." He added with a smirk. "No it's not." She said with a slight frown.

Jean slid one hand behind his head, resting the other over his chest and closed his eyes for a moment. "My parents," he began hesitantly unsure whether to continue or not. "We were very poor growing up, they always told me to work hard so that I would have a safe future where I wouldn't have to worry about anything." She watched him as he spoke and was enthralled. He was very careful in his words but it seemed to flow seamlessly behind his low and brooding voice.

"So when I join the Military Police not only will I live comfortably but so will my parents." The night air devoured his words and he turned to Elsa who was staring fixedly on his face. "I never knew Jean was such a softie."

"Tch." He shook his head with a sly smirk, "I'm just pulling your leg," she amended with a small smile. "Alright, I told my story what about you? Why is a girl like you in this shithole?" She licked her lips absently pondering his question.

Why was she here?

"I want to make a difference," she spoke with a tiny shrug, her eyes glazing over slightly, "and I feel this is the best way. All I want is to be useful in life."

Jean listened intently and was engrossed in her voice. It pacified his thoughts and left in him in a state of serenity. Her words rolled tastefully off her tongue and strung sentences exquisitely together. It was a voice that unobtrusively captivated the listener and transported them into a world of tranquility. His eyes had become suddenly droopy and he was fighting a losing battle trying to keep them open.

She had long finished and Jean hadn't said a word which caused her to turn in his direction.

He had fallen asleep.

Elsa sighed, her eyes closed. "Am I really that boring you fell asleep?" she asked his sleeping body. She ran a hand through her hair returning her gaze to him. In sleep his hard lined face smoothed out and revealed the boy underneath his rigid exterior. His usually pinched brows rested at ease on his tanned face, "Why are you always worried?" she mumbled to herself suppressing the odd urge to touch his supple skin. His soft breathing was deep and oddly soothing to the ear, "Jean," she called softly. He remained asleep much to her dismay, "Jean." Her voice had lost the soft curve and she reached over placing a hand on his shoulder, pressing it slightly.

She watched his eyeballs flitter beneath his tanned lids, and his eyelashes stirred against his skin like butterfly wings. He squinted, adjusting to the darkness, and then rubbed his eyes furiously with his knuckles. "Sorry," he muttered, Elsa smiled gently as he got up yawning scratching his neck. "It's late we should go to sleep." She conceded getting up to her feet, he nodded sleep still clung to him like a woolen blanket. Elsa outstretched her hand and found it his rough to the touch; she helped him to his feet and dusted the clinging grass off her clothes. They walked side-by-side back to the barracks and reached the separating path, "Goodnight Jean," her voice was a whisper in the night.

Her face was half-illuminated and Jean felt something stir within him. "Goodnight Elsa." He answered with his own whisper. It was a silent promise between them. A sad, shattered promise. A gentle smile graced her face before she walked off and became enveloped by the darkness.

* * *

The sun was just beginning to break across the lilac morning sky when Elsa woke up. She noticed the other were still asleep minus Mikasa who seemed to be already awake. She stretched out her stiff limbs above her head and stifled a yawn as she swung her legs onto the wooden floor. She blinked a few times adjusting to the dim light of the barracks. "Mikasa," She whispered wincing as her throat throbbed; Mikasa turned her head in her direction. "What time is it?" Elsa swallowed dryly undoing her thick plait, "Around five." She said simply watching Elsa get up, gathering her clothes. "I'm going to shower okay?" Mikasa nodded getting up as well.

Returning from the shower stalls, Elsa felt revitalized. She and Mikasa conversed lightly on the way back to the barracks. "Are you planning on doing anything today?" Elsa asked slinging her damp towel over her shoulder. Mikasa shook her head, droplets still clinging to her inky hair, "No. However I believe Armin and Eren along with the others plan on going around Trost." Elsa nodded along feeling a twinge of jealously. "And you? What do you plan on doing today?" she turned to Elsa with an indifferent look. She pursed her lips and sighed, "Nothing really."

"Then you should come with us." Mikasa stated.

Her head snapped to meet hers and smiled with a mix of disbelief and joy, "Really?"

"Of course. We're friends after all."

* * *

On the river ride to the city Elsa reveled in the company of her friends. Jean and Marco had decided to join the others much to everyone's excitement. Elsa silently noted the slight bags under his eyes but he was in high regards nonetheless. Everyone conversed excitedly over their plans while the Zhiganshina trio were somewhat solemn, probably reliving this day five years ago.

Elsa was seated between Bertholdt and Reiner; they conversed jovially throughout the ferry ride. During the ride Bertholdt gulped audibly fidgeting impetuously which garnered attention from Elsa and Reiner. "What's wrong with you Reiner?" Bert asked his eyebrows pinched together in confusion. Reiner continued to gulp and scratch his head nervously casting side glances at Elsa, his face a touch flushed, "You just look nice." He muttered shyly much to Bert's amusement.

She was in a loose white cotton dress that went slightly off shoulder; her hair was gathered up and strands hung loosely, tastefully framing her face. Bertholdt admitted mutely she did look quite beautiful. He would never say it aloud however.

A few seats in front of them sat Marco, Jean, and Sasha. While Marco and Sasha argued over getting the window seat on the way back Jean was drowning in his thoughts. Thoughts of last night flittered in his mind and he contemplated whether he had just made the whole encounter up. However, the bags under his eyes proved otherwise. He tried to recall every moment but only the image of Elsa's pale irradiated face came to mind. He wondered whatever possessed him to leave the barracks last night. Jean had never had an actual conversation with Elsa, and if he did it was only regarded training maneuvers or working together. He sighed inwardly casting his gaze onto Marco who was completely oblivious as he continued to converse with Sasha, he has a hopeless crush on her, Jean thought somberly.

"Why are you pouting?" Sasha queried poking Jean's cheek. He swatted away her hand in annoyance, "I'm not pouting." He seethed, eyes narrowed dangerously. Sasha shook her head knowingly, "Sure, you weren't." Marco gave him a concerned look but figured he would hear more of it later.

Upon arrival everyone agreed in using the facilities. Afterwards they all decided in splitting up and meeting back at the port late in the afternoon. Trios started to form and departed one by one. Jean noticed Marco being more fidgety than usual, he watched in curiosity as he gnawed on his lip incessantly and running a quavering hand through his closely cropped locks. Quite abruptly he approached Elsa who was walking aimlessly around the port, Jean watched dubiously as he struck up a conversation with her. Words were exchanged, Marco scratched his head nervously, and he pointed to him.

_Oh, god no. _

Jeans eyes bulged and wanted to gesticulate madly but it was already done. Elsa and Marco walked up to him side-by-side. She had that jaded look on her face that gave nothing away and Jean wanted to throw himself into the waterway and drown. "I asked Elsa if she wanted to come with us and she said yes!" Jeans jaw was set and he began to grind his teeth together.

"That's great."

* * *

The city was unusually silent. Somber would be the better word. Hardly any businesses were open and many buildings had their doors ominously boarded. Marco, oblivious to the mood, was having a blast. Jean feigned interest taking in the sights leisurely. Every so often would the trio encounter a pedestrian on the street, but they usually walked with purpose and their head low. Marco walked ahead in search of a bakery while Elsa and Jean trailed behind side-by-side. The tension was obvious and uncomfortable; Jean noted the pinched expression on Elsa's face. Whether it was because of his presence or the mood of the city he couldn't tell. He sensed her waves of anxiety and it troubled him.

"Are you tired?" her sudden question roused him from his thoughts. He looked down at her and noticed her expression went strangely placid. "Not really, why?" he answered. She gazed up at him and he saw his floating reflection in her glossy pupils. "Your bags are kind of noticeable." He stifled a groan uncrossing his arms, "Are you tired?" he countered. She thought for a moment and shook her head slightly, "No, I'm not." She offered him a small smile before directing her attention to the concrete line in the sky that was the wall.

"People are scared what happened five years ago would be repeated don't they?" He thought her question was rhetorical and waited a few moments to see if she would add anything. "Maybe." He sighed. She pursed her pale lips slightly rubbing her arm, "But I am glad to be here." Jean watched breathlessly as her face stretched into a smile. It was radiant and pure. He felt his insides being warmed, he had never seen her genuinely happy.

She turned to him with her striking smile and he practically lost the ability to function coherently. Quickly grasping his wits, he shook his head slightly; "You've never been to Trost?" Her smiled receded until she eventually returned to her normally bored appearance. Something in Jean ached dearly which he whole-heartedly ignored. "No." she spoke simply casting her gaze down to the cobbled street. His eyes widened in disbelief, "Never?" he pressed. She shook her head giving him her signature indifferent look, "Guys! I found a baker who's open for sale!" Marco came slightly puffing, pointing down the cobbled street. "His stuff looks really good too!" Elsa and Jean followed him to the baker's stand, Jean giving Elsa an inquisitive look.

"Hey, Mr. Baker!" Marco waved to the flustered looking man. He was balding and was rather thick in the middle; his apron was flecked with white flour as was his mustache. His watery eyes were pools of yellowy strained lines of crimson. "Can you give me three croissants?" He nodded, his jowls bouncing and cast Elsa a panicky look. "I'm surprised your business is open today?" Jean inquired with an arched brow. The baker flinched as he wiped his swollen fingers on his apron, "I am a very poor baker, sir. I can't afford to take the day off." He brought up a tray of steaming croissants and Marco practically salivated. He dug deep into his trouser and fished out a few bills, "Keep the change old man and enjoy your day!" Marco handed the money in his outstretched hand. "Be careful young ones. Especially you young lady, keep away from the priests." All eyes turned to Elsa who was equally perplexed. The old man looked anxiously between them before retreating into his bakery.

"This croissant doesn't taste so good anymore." Marco sighed taking a nibble from the tip.

The trio walked down the street and were now rounding the corner that led to the town plaza.

"That baker was pretty creepy." He continued looking towards Jean who eyed Elsa suspiciously. "Yeah, pretty creepy, did you know him Elsa?" Her brows pinched together as she shook her head, "No. I told you I've never been here before." A shiver ran through them, "Let's not think too much about then," Marco began unsurely, "Yeah." Jean muttered taking a bite out of the now cold croissant.

As the trio neared the square cries of numerous people filled the air. They exchanged looks among themselves and quickly saw the cause of the shouts. On top of a scaffold stood a robed man encircled by a crowd of people. He shouted passionately which roused up the crowds cries. Elsa's heart pounded uncomfortably at the man's words. "The only way out of the plaza in through them, just stick close together." Marco and Elsa nodded at Jean's words and neared the crowd.

"Five years ago the Colossal Titan appeared and destroyed Wall Maria along with the Armored Titan!"

The crowd roared, clamoring amongst themselves. Elsa was jostled by the sea of bodies and found it difficult to locate ashy or inky black cropped hair.

"Make peace while you can before they destroy our livelihood!"

Women in the crowd moaned collapsing to floor while the others trampled upon them, "Stop!" Elsa cried. Jean and Marco were no longer in her sight and she became enveloped by the hordes of people. She clashed against foreign skin and the shouts began to disorient her. "Jean! Marco!" she shouted but was drowned out. Her forearm was seized viselike which made her yelp in pain, she felt herself being dragged further into the crowd. She struggled against the ironclad fingers against her skin which was beginning to bruise. She thrashed about unable to locate her assailant and succeeded in wringing her arm free, "Goddess Sina, please save me." Amidst the chaos around her she looked down at a young boy who was dressed in tattered clothing. His face was grimy and he wore no shoes. He tugged at her dress with one arm, and where the other was supposed to be only hung an empty sleeve. Before Elsa had anytime to process anything a body moved in front of the child and he was gone.

She began to hyperventilate.

"REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!

Black specks began to appear in vision as the swirl of bodies began to blur.

"HELP US GODDESS SINA!"

"REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!"

Women openly wept. She felt nauseous.

"REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!"

Two pairs of hands gripped her shoulders and she had no energy to protest.

"Elsa! ELSA!" her eyes rolled back and forth into her head.

"Elsa it's me Jean!"

Jean smoothed away strands of her hair that stuck to her sweat beaded forehead. "Let's get her out of here!" Marco urged tugging and Jean's arm frantically. The two young men slung Elsa's limp arm around their shoulders and guided her out of the square.

The hordes of people swelled and the outcry resonated in their ears long after they left the square.

"REPENT FOR YOUR SINS!"

* * *

Once departed from the square Elsa regained her senses. Wiping her sweat beaded forehead she made Jean and Marco promise not to mention this encounter to any of the other recruits.

"But are you alright?" Marco pressed his hands outstretched to steady her if she faltered; she nodded wearily steadying her jagged breaths. "I was just overwhelmed." Jean looked on with a strained expression. He was unquestionably concerned for Elsa's wellbeing but there were too many coincidences. It just so happens she has never been to Trost, the creepy baker, and now this Goddess Sina debacle. It was all too convenient. "Let's make our way back to the port." He suggested. Marco and Elsa nodded in agreement, "Are you sure you'll be fine?" Jean inquired examining her face.

Placid, she nodded firmly drawing in a deep breath.

"Where did you get those bruises?"

Now on the return trip back to the training camp, Marco suddenly noticed her marked arm. She slid a finger across it tentatively, wincing slightly, "Don't do that," Jean reprimanded. Scrunching up her face at his remark, Elsa explained in a whisper, so that the others wouldn't hear, that she received it in the crowd. Marco exclaimed but was hushed impatiently by Jean who suddenly turned into a seething cauldron of rage.

"Someone put their hands on you." His voice was deathly and quivered frightfully, Elsa's small pink mouth parted slightly in astonishment, "and caused you physical pain?" he breathed deeply through his nostrils twice before reclining back into the cushioned seat. His eyes were closed and his fingers gripped tightly against his forearms causing him to tremble slightly from the pressure.

"Jean?" Marco began unsurely, "are you alright?"

He breathed in, his chest rising exponentially, "No."

Marco and Elsa exchanged dark looks, "What's wrong Jean?" Elsa asked softly.

Her soothing voice eased his fury and he set his jaw as he faced them, "Someone caused you pain and I couldn't do anything to stop it."

His words struck her like a million thunderbolts. Her insides flailed about and she gazed at him in silent awe. He stared at her earnestly and she became absorbed in his hawkish eyes. Her fingers twitched and she longed for a foreign, arcane sensation buried deep within her.

Marco watched on at the silent exchange and felt his insides chip away.

* * *

The recruit's arrival was met with little fanfare.

The next day Commander Shadis dealt out double the training for making up the lost day.

The next few weeks, the recruits were brutally punished with laborious drills. Many left.

Once every week in the silent of night Jean would find Elsa on a familiar patch of grass.

The next few months the recruits were schooled in general information of the mechanics that entailed with being a soldier.

The visits became more often.

It was something Jean craved, all the while hating himself for it.

Intimate conversations were exchanged on that patch of grass overseeing the valley.

Dreams, desires, distress, death.

They found a part of themselves in each other, a mutual understanding. Gradually their fates became intertwined to the point where lines became blurred.

A year passed.

A long year of hardships. Those who stayed created tight communal relations. Everyone became family and picked up the others slack when necessary.

Jean and Elsa met on a daily basis. Their conversation sometimes carried out until the sun began to crack against the complacent amethyst sky. Most of the time no words were exchanged. Just the mere presence of the other is enough to make them both content. Stolen gazes, brushed fingers. They knew nearly everything about each other, which is everything other than their feelings for one another.

* * *

It was the night before their graduation. The pair lay on the dewy grass reveling in the night air. Jean shifted onto his side and gazed at Elsa as he rested his head against his bicep, analyzing every rivet and crevice of Elsa's loose hair. "I just realized this would be the last time-"Jean hushed her softly, "Don't bring that up now." He replied gently reaching over running his fingers through her lush curls. After a moment, Jean spoke lightly, "Don't join the Survey Corps."

His words struck her like a well-landed blow; she turned to her side so that they faced each other. "If you don't, then we won't have to worry about anything," He covered her hand with his which electrified her nerves, "we won't have to worry about Titans, or famine." His words welled up inside her.

Exchanged silence, and a deep sigh.

"Jean, I can't join the Military Police. I won't."

"You already live in the interior why waste your position for nothing?" his voice was stern, "How can you be so selfish?" she cringed at his harsh tone which he immediately regretted using. "If I'm not happy then I see no point." He ceased stroking her hair and scoffed in disbelief, "Happiness is something you have to sacrifice for security and survival."

She looked him in the eye-dead in the eye-,"Then I would rather die being eaten by a Titan."

Jean shot up gripping her by the arm, "Don't," his voice deathly low spoken through bared, clenched teeth, "_ever_ say that."

She pried away his fingers and began to get up, "Then I hope you enjoy joining the Military Police, Jean Kirstein." She gave him one last look mixed with hurt and anguish.

She couldn't cry.

Crying would solve nothing.

He scrambled up to his feet as she started down the path, "Elsa!" he took her by the arm which she tried to shrug off. "Listen to me please." He spun her around gripping her firmly by the shoulders, "Look at me." Her eyes met only to his sharp chin, "Elsa." His voice softened and her eyes flickered up to meet his.

All his life Jean had never expected to love another. Take and take was all he learned but whenever he looked at Elsa he wanted to give her everything possible in the world. He would lay down his life without hesitation and it scared him. How could he explain something like this to her? Her verdant irises twinkled mystifyingly, "Jean," she began hesitantly lowering her gaze. He took her chin between his fingers and brushed his lips against hers. It was tentative and delicate.

He kissed her and she felt it in her toes.

He drew back slightly, gazing at her through heavy lids taking in every aspect of her, ingraining it into his memory. Their lips met once again, and her lips were pale rose petals. They were so soft, so supple. He felt her body begin to lax under his hold as her arms began to slink up the fabric of his thin shirt. Her touch left scorch marks under skin.

Her body was beginning to function by its own. As if it has been waiting for this moment all her life, waiting and waiting. It felt natural placing her hand on his tanned neck, skimming her palm against his broad back. In this moment she felt alive, and unconditionally loved.

Their lips melded together as Jean leaned in slightly, tilting, to deepen the kiss.

His hand against her waist drew her close against his chest; their kissing became slow and demanding.

Elsa began to lose herself in the elation of Jean. His hand rested against the side of her face, stroking her temple slightly.

They tore apart a few inches, and their breaths mingled together. He placed one more deliberate kiss on her slicked lips.

"I love you Elsa. I loved you ever since that night three years ago." He took a deep breath mustering up the strength; there was no going back now. "If anything happened to you, I…" he trailed off, words escaping him, the mere thought of his life without her rendered him wordless.

She slid her hand up to his face and stroked his brow tenderly with the pad of her thumb. She felt oddly at peace, she let this sensation wash over her, reveling in this newfound life. The steady pulse under his skin brought her harmony.

"Don't worry." She spoke.

He gazed into her face slightly confused at her reply and saw her radiant smile, "I love you Jean, that's all I know."

His face stretched into a smile and she laughed lightly as Jean lifted her off her feet to his height and they gazed into each other's eyes for a moment, losing themselves in pure unadulterated love. He rested his forehead against hers and it was cool.

"That's good enough for me." He whispered before enveloping his arms around her lithe body and burying his head into the crook of her neck, breathing in a new life, a new life full of love.

* * *

The next day went accordingly.

The ceremony was met with high emotions, after three extensive years the recruits finally have graduated. Tears of joys, and tight embraces were shared among the emotive graduates. Jean and Elsa embraced tightly when no one bothered to notice and Jean stole a chaste kiss. They chatted idly, stealing away from the crowd. It ended in an argument however, as most of their conversations would end from now on, Jean repeatedly attempted to stop Elsa from joining the Survey Corps. She would hear none of it of course and stormed off leaving a frustrated Jean behind to take out his anger against the alleyway walls.

* * *

Jean was still seething during the small celebration that was held at night. It didn't help that Elsa wasn't there as well, probably to avoid him. He made no effort to speak with anyone or partake in the merriment. He grimaced in the back and reveled in his misery until his exuberant friend found him. "Why are you here sulking in the back Jean?" Marco was practically beaming from excitement and it disgusted Jean. He was disgusted in himself. Ever since he had kissed Elsa he couldn't look Marco in the eye, on numerous occasions Marco had confessed his feelings for Elsa to him and here he was practically stabbing him in the back.

He felt sick.

They had planned on entering the Military Police together, and now he could throw that all away in a heartbeat. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to Marco.

"I'm just not a party person." He muttered indifferently, averting his gaze.

"Sure you are! Have you seen Elsa around? I can't seem to find-"

"No." he clipped him off, "I haven't."

Marco pursed his lips and clasped Jean on the shoulder, "C'mon Jean, enjoy yourself. This day isn't going to last forever." Jean sighed holding his head, "You're right," He conceding, getting up to his feet. "It's not." He said with a trace of a smile.

As we all know, Marco's words of comfort would mean nothing since Jean and Eren had it out over almost the exact same reason he and Elsa argued.

* * *

The next morning Elsa woke feeling oddly out of place. No longer sleeping in the packed barracks, but a temporary soldiers building, she could finally breathe. Throwing back the sheets, she padded her way across the wooden floor to the window and immediately thought of Jean. "Where are you, you idiot." She whispered placing her hand against the cool window pane gazing out over the sleepy city.

She hardly slept. All she could think about was Jean, and how much it ached to be away from him. She couldn't fathom how he could be so bull-headed at times.

A faint knock was heard at the door and she quickly dressed, giving up in doing anything about her hair. Jerking the door back slightly she met a boy a few years younger than her, "Miss Smith?" he inquired. She nodded faintly, tilting her head, "I have this letter for you." He held out a stamped envelope and her heart plummeted. She knew that stamp. "Thank you." She whispered, finally finding her voice. Closing the door behind her, she leaned against it for support. She traced her fingers across the embossed Wings of Freedom and felt a rush. She sat on the edge of her unmade bed and gently pealed the seal back. She immediately recognized the deliberate and structured handwriting and unfolded the page inside.

Her breaths slowed and she began to read to herself;

'_Elsa. _

_I have recently left for an expedition outside of the walls and if things go accordingly, I will return the day after your graduation. I wish to congratulate you on this momentous occasion in your life. I am so proud of all your accomplishments. I have heard nothing but praise from the Commanders. Naturally, of course. However, I am also deeply conflicted. Now that you are a soldier, you have pledged to sacrifice your heart for humanity; this is something I have yet to come to terms with. As I Commander I cannot let my emotions rule over reason. While it may be hard to understand we are soldiers first then family second. I hope this doesn't anger or upset you in anyway. I shall return through the main street late in the morning, I hope to see you there. _

_Erwin Smith_

_13__th__ Commander of the Survey Corps '_

She read his letter twice more before lying back onto the bed. Thoughts swirled endlessly through her mind. After so long she is finally going to see him, he had _wanted_ her to. Digging the heel of her palms into her eyes she groaned, so much was going on at once and she had no idea how to sort things out.

* * *

Jean was absolutely miserable.

He had gotten minimal sleep and his grouchy appearance served as evidence. He was angry. He wanted to see Elsa. As much as he was annoyed with her, he missed her dearly. It was a sort of dull aching feeling that sapped the energy out of him. He just wanted to hold her.

Long after he decided he could get no sleep, he wandered about aimlessly through the military square until a pair of Garrison soldiers approached him.

"Rookie, we have the Survey Corps coming through the main street later this morning and we need extra soldiers just in case things turn hairy."

"Yeah, so when you have time head down over there." The other added before the pair returned back to patrolling.

Jean scowled; the last thing he wanted to think about was the Survey Corps. 'Eren would undoubtedly be there', he thought his scowl deepening.

He shuffled along kicking a few pebbles in his way. "Survey Corps." He mumbled to himself.

He stopped abruptly, a realization ripped through his body.

'Elsa will probably be there!'

* * *

Crowds gathered along the main street of Trost hustling about to get a glimpse of humanity's bravest souls. Among them stood Elsa reclining against the shade of a building trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. The Garrison patrolled about attempting to look imposing while the stationed Military Police long had abandoned their position. Two small children caught her attention through their rambunctiously loud voices. The older boy gushed excitedly to a young girl who seemed uncomfortable and unsure about the situation. Finally after a while longer the main gates swung open slowly, creaking from the pressure. The crowd became instantaneously hushed as the steady 'clip clop' became more pronounced. Green-robed men and women shuffled along seeming lost. Their bandaged appendages were still steeped in blood.

Their faces were blank, gaunt, and expressionless.

It was almost as if Elsa was witnessing a procession of harbored souls.

With each passing soldier, her heart grew heavier and heavier.

Where was her Uncle?

Had he returned?

She spotted a man riding a forlorn-looking horse and she found him vaguely familiar. As if she had seen him in a long-forgotten dream. His sharply cut locks and irritated appearance seemed uncanny; she was convinced she had seen him before. He looked at nothing in particular and slowly made his way out of Elsa's view. She felt slightly exasperated. Who was he? And where has she seen him before? Her thoughts were interrupted when she overheard a villager gasp and whisper to his companion; "It's Commander Erwin!"

Her breath slowly escaped her body leaving her hollow. With her mouth slightly parted she cast her gaze on the passing figure. His face has gotten sharper; his expression has become much more remote. He seemed unreachable as if his mind was still outside the wall. She noticed the blonde of his hair had gotten a touch darker.

She trembled with every breath. It was dreamlike; after so long of envisioning this moment it finally was happening.

He was alive.

Tears began to well up; he is alive and well.

Slightly battered and bruised, but very much alive.

His figure passed down the cobbled street, she pushed her way down the crowds but his retreating figure eventually popped into nothing.

"Elsa!"

She turned at the sound of her name and found some of her friends among the crowd. She greeted them wholeheartedly and made small talk with Marco. Naturally, Jean came into the conversation.

"Have you seen Jean recently, Marco?" he frowned slightly shaking his head. "Not since last night no, why have you?" She shook her head slightly. "He was really heated about something and was in an awful mood the entire night." He became absorbed at her appearance, and couldn't control himself from grinning. Elsa's mouth tugged slightly into a frown.

That idiot, she thought disdainfully.

"Are you going to be maintaining the cannon walls today?" Marco queried.

Elsa shook her head slowly, "No not today. I think tomorrow though."

He nodded looking past her and sharply inhaled through his nose. She snapped her attention at him and before she could ask he answered with a low whisper, "It's Jean."

She whipped around and found said boy sauntering through the crowd. His appearance was haggard and agitated. Her anger dissipated away and ebbed into longing. God, she missed him.

Jean meandered up to the twosome and exchanged breathless looks between the two of him.

Marco felt his throat close up from dryness and felt his insides chip away.

"I'll leave you two alone." He said in a small voice already turning on his heel.

Elsa called out his name but if fell upon ears. She turned back to Jean and scowled, "I didn't make him leave." He sneered. Elsa puffed up indignantly and exhaled sharply, "You bast-"he took around the waist and pulled in tight, resting his head in her neck.

"God, I missed you." He whispered.

Elsa went languid and took fistfuls of his shirt.

Jean pulled away and looked into her eyes.

"I'm sorry I'm such an idiot." Her eyes twinkled, "I know. You are."

He rolled his heavy bagged eyes smirking, "I missed you." He offered.

She traced his bags with her thumbs disapprovingly, "I can tell."

His face softened and he sighed, "Let's get you to bed."

Jean slung his arm around her small shoulders and Elsa slid her arm around his torso as they begun to walk away to Elsa's soldier apartment complex.

* * *

Upon arrival Jean let out a low whistle.

"This is where you're shacking up? Your uncle fixed you up pretty good." She swatted his shoulder, "My uncle had nothing to do with this."

Jean hummed as they ascended the stairs and came to her room. She turned the key a few times before the door clicked open. Jean entered the room first and looked about before turning back to find Elsa already shrugging off her jacket. He kicked off his boots before grabbing her by the waist and falling onto the bed. She giggled at his spontaneity and curled up to his body. Jean reached down and threw the sheets over them and kissed Elsa twice of the forehead and the nose. She gazed into his eyes and sighed.

"I love you." He whispered drawing her close.

"Get sleep." She replied and his eyes automatically slid close.

* * *

The door shook from being pounded and Elsa jolted upright. She looked down at Jean who snored lightly still very much asleep. She threw back her side of the sheets and scrambled to stop the pounding, she hastily groped at her and hair trying to look presentable. She jerked the door back mid-pound and found a breathless Garrison soldier. "All soldiers are to report to the square." The urgency in his voice frightened Elsa. He turned on his heel and started off half-running, "Wait!" Elsa called.

She quickly went to Jeans side and lightly shook him. "Jean, wake up, Jean." Her pleading roused him out of his slumber as he blinked his eyes slightly yawning. He rose scratching his disheveled hair, "What's wrong?" he yawned swinging his legs onto the floor. He looked at Elsa after rubbing his eyes furiously, "What's wrong?" he repeated more urgently at her frightened state. She trembled with every breath staring fixated at the space between the board planks of the floor. "Elsa." He took by the shoulders and directed her attention back to him.

"Something's wrong." She began trying to recollect herself.

"We need to get to the square."

* * *

The twosome made their way to the town half-running. The bells that tolled ominously, reverberating within Elsa, women and children opening wept and the streets were pouring with citizens. Jean held onto Elsa's hand tightly making sure not to lose her. They neared the square and were quickly wrenched apart by the crowd.

"Everyone into formation!"

They gave each other last fleeting looks, "I'll find you-"were Jean's last words before their lives changed forever.

The two were herded into formation and as they were debriefed of the breach and all Elsa could think of was Jean sleeping soundly in her bed, safe, alive, and perfect. Now the same Jean is to go into battle with less than fifty percent chance of returning alive.

They were all dismissed and Elsa found Jean amid the despair and chaos.

He gripped her shoulders fiercely and gazed her eyes searchingly. His chest rose erratically and he had a crazed look in his eyes. "We were supposed to go to the Interior tomorrow." He spoke breathlessly after a moment. Elsa's face stretched into a smile as she shook her head slightly, "No, Jean."

"I would rather for us to die here than live in the Interior."

"Not everyone is so eager to die, Elsa."

"Then don't die, Jean."

Her chest heaved and she gave a jagged breath, her eyes saturated, "I love you, you impetuous, stubborn-"his lips crashed down on hers ardently.

"I love you too." he whispered, stroking her cheek with the pad of his thumb. They embraced fiercely, Jean took a hold of Elsa's hand and brought it to his lips. His other hand intertwined with hers as they began to separate. In his eyes she saw her world slowly fading to ruin and decided if they were to met in this world or the next she would be fine. As long as they were together.

The tips of their fingers left, never to return the same again.

* * *

_**Dun-dun-DUN.**_

_**Sorry for the overly dramatic crap. It had to be done. Anyway, no, this is not the end. Depending on the reception I dunno if I want to continue. I might leave it here, who knows. So if you liked this story (for some reason) please leave a review! Any comments or suggestions are also greatly appreciated. Um. Yeah thanks for reading see you again soon.**_


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